gag gift stocking stuffers, under a buck!

There are two ways to get at the goodies in your Christmas stocking: digging and dumping. I'm a digger. I love digging down to the bottom of the stocking and pulling out the little items “Santa” had left for me. My sister is a dumper. She simply up-ends the stocking and shakes it until everything comes out on the floor. Either way, the stocking is one of the coolest Christmas traditions because you get a lot of little Things at once. Now that I'm a grown-up (sort of), I always contribute some Thing from our 99-cent collection to the kids' stockings.

My first choice is always some Thing fart- or poop-related. Since I grew up in this business, I really can't help myself. Fart candy and fart powder are two of my personal favorites, but since both have a gassy effect on unsuspecting victims, I'd advise you to have plenty of scented candles on hand. For less smelly Things, you could try the classic whoopee cushion, which “gives forth noises better imagined than described.” The same could be said for the fart whistle. Fake poop is always a festive choice. The dog mess looks like a real pile of doggy doo. It's very effective when placed in cooking or eating areas. And this “oops” looks like a real human oops. Place it on a toilet seat to hear a chorus of “yuks” and “ewwwwws.”

Of course, not everyone is into poop and fart jokes (though I can't see why not), so we have some other under-a-buck stocking stuffer classics. For the car, we have fake bullet hole decals that look very real when applied to windows or even paint. And our phony parking tickets that look official but say things like “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits” are great for handing out in those busy day-after-Christmas parking lots.

For other great fake-out Things, try the phony brick. It looks real, especially when someone is hurling it in your direction, but it's made of harmless foam rubber. To burn non-smokers, pull out one of these fake cigarettes in a clean air zone. Just blow on it to release a harmless white powder that resembles smoke and wait for the howling to begin.

But we can't let smokers off the hook, can we? Sneak one of these stink loads into a cigarette and watch the stench clear the room. My aunt started chewing gum years ago when she quit smoking and she's never without it. Knowing me as well as she does she won't take a piece of gum from me, but I can leave a pack of pepper gum lying around and she'll fall for it every time. And candy is everywhere at this time of year, so the bloody-mouth candy always catches a few victims.So fill those stockings to the brim with fun and inexpensive Things this year and have a merry, merry time watching people play their practical jokes on each other. And stay tuned, we'll have some more great Things to talk about next week...